Thinking

There is so much going on in my life and every time I want a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to and get good advice from I miss my mother more. It doesn't get easier.

Thanksgiving is past and while there is so much I give thanks for I could not help missing my mum to the point of physical pain. Next is Christmas, Catelin's First. I look at her, she looks so much like my mother, and I just wish she had the chance to know her Nana.

My cousin Bobby was just given bad news. Liver cancer and a timeframe. I'm taking it hard. I don't want to loose anyone else from my family but I know when it's his time my mom will be one of the people there to show him the way. In that aspect I'm jealous.

Well we are coming up on 2 years now. Recently my best friend Heather lost her mother suddenly. From the second I heard her on my phone, hardly understanding what she was saying because of her panic, I knew. I prayed after loosing my mother that she would be old before she went through this too.

I find it amazing in some ways that all three of my closest friends are motherless. It doesn't seem right...we are all too young. Still I wonder at the fact that we all found each other in this wide world. There is a reason though I don't know that I'll ever understand it.

I'm tired of the pain and regardless of what some tell you, in the hopes of making you feel better, it doesn't get easier. It gets harder.

I watch my niece grow and I feel sad that my mother isn't here to enjoy it. How she would have loved to listen to Morgan's silly talk. How she would have loved to be there when Catelin is born....to have two granddaughters to spoil.

I will miss you every day of my life Mumma.