I want my mother....

...that's what keeps going through my head, over and over again. "I want my mother."

The only way I can think to explain how I feel is that one time, when we were little in NC, my mother, Bryan and I were out shopping at a mall when we got seperated. I remember being absolutely terrified but I took Bryan's hand (he was very little) and walked directly to a girl in a uniform at a fast food place and told her we lost our mother. Seconds later Mom was there to calm the panic. Being little we had just lost sight of each other in the crowd for what felt like hours but was really probably only 5 min.

The problem is this time my mother isn't going to find us and Bryan is the one holding my hand and telling me it will be ok. It just doesn't feel that way. I don't know how it will ever be "ok" again.

I miss my Uncle more than I could ever explain to someone. But my mother? "Miss" is too weak of a word and I can't come up with another word that begins to explain it, this feeling. I still wake up every morning praying that this was just another one of my vivid, horrible nightmares. And then I roll over in bed and see her printer's drawer on my wall or the Angel on my alter and I feel that all too familiar punch in the stomach. It doesn't get any more real than this.

1 month

Today is one month. It feels like 10 years has been crammed into that one month and at the same time it feels like she left us yesterday.

We cleaned out the majority of the house yesterday with the help of Bridget, Kevin, Angela, Tony, Eric Dietz and Sanders, Heather, Mrs. Park and Kathleen. It went well but by the end I was physically and mentally exhausted. I didn't sleep well the night before either. It's all just emotionally draining and stressful for everyone.

We had a few laughs and more than a few tears. We've got another week to get the rest of the house emptied and cleaned but we filled the large dumpster half way through the day yesterday and now we have to await another small one being delivered before we can go any further. My mother did not know how to throw anything away. lol I think my brother counted 11 pairs of crutches? And we found things packed away that I'm positive my mother didn't even remember.

Monday

So much going on. I'm breaking my back purging "things" from my home in order to take on some of mom's things. I've been doing good, I think, keeping only those things that are really important. I just don't have a lot of room to begin with. Though it's funny how things I would have had a hard time throwing away a month ago are now no Brainrs for the "don't need it" pile.

Nana is doing well, starting to settle in at Auntie's. Auntie is starting to cross thing's off her "to do" list regularly as well. Bryan, Angela and the baby are doing well too. I spent all of last Sat with Morgan. She's rolling over now (she's not sure what to do once she's on her belly but she's on her way!) and she's becoming much more aware of who she's with and who they are. I am a witness that she said Mumma several times and I'm confident it was as in "I'm sleepy where's my Mumma?" I'm sure Dada is next and then of course AUNTIE!!

The tattoo is almost healed. I'm still going back and forth as to whether or not I want to color it. I start a yoga class on Wed morning. And I'm just trying to prepare for the attempt to go "back to normal" which I still think is ridiculous. There is no normal without my mother. So, I guess it's more accurate to say it's time to start preparing to getting back to something.

Peace and love everyone,
Me

Three weeks

Well, three weeks ago today my mother left us. It's been a blur, especially the last week or so. We've started cleaning out the house, Nana is primarily at Auntie's in Melrose and I am having a really hard time adjusting.

I feel as if I'm loosing almost everything. I knew someday the family home where Nana, my mother, Bryan and I lived our lives would be sold. This is too hard though, having to deal with it this way. I have two parents, my mother and my grandmother and now they are both being taken away. I know Melrose isn't THAT far away, but it feels like she might as well be in FL. It's been hitting me hard that after the house is sold Bryan and I have no place to go back to. No more Christmas eve at Mom and Nana's. No bringing them the hanging flower pots I bought them every year for mother's day (and they are popping up at every flower stand I pass which seems to be on every corner). The phone is even shut off and I can now no longer hear my mother's voice on her answering machine.

I also never realized how often my mother filled the role of best friend to me. I remember days of phone call after phone call when I would say "It's me again mum, sorry to be a pain but I wanted to call and tell you...." or "Ma, you've called me 50 times in a row...how can you have something else to tell me?!". I would give anything for her to tell me a story she'd already told me 40 times.

Let's face it, I'm no longer a people person. Too much has happened in my life and I just don't do well with long phone conversations or hanging out with a large group of people. As much as I love you all, I'm not one to call and chat especially at an emotional time like this. Yet I never realized how often I called my mother for comfort when it came to my health issues or when I was just down or lonely. I know that I am not alone in the world. I have friends and family who care but I want my mother and no one else, as much as they try, can comfort me.

Ok, that's it for me today. I just wanted to check in because I haven't in a few days.

Love you all.

Ta daaaaa

Well here it is. It came out excellent. The artist did exactly what I wanted and it's without a doubt the best piece of work I have. I think my mother would like it and so far everyone else has too. It's still a bit sore (feels much like a bad sun burn) and after 3 hours of tattooing I was nearing my limit when he said he was done. The detail is great and I'll post another picture after it's healed and not covered in A&D ointment and shinny. My only complaint about the picture is that because it's a close up it looks like I have a huge MAN arm.

I picked up mum's ashes today. Nana went to Auntie's for a few days. The last two days have been a roller coaster for me and tomorrow we clean out her room. So, that's it for today.

Love you all.

Comments

I just wanted to invite anyone reading this to leave comments.

Even if it's just a hello, a story about my mother, a story about missing my mother or just something you are thinking about feel free to leave a comment on any of the entries I've made or on this one specifically.

Two weeks and one day

Well today I get my tattoo (as longs as the artist shows me something I like of course lol).

It's funny, I expected to have a hard day yesterday. It was the two week mark and I assumed it would be a bad day. It wasn't that bad though, probably because I kept busy with chores around the house and errands around town. I had a hard time falling asleep but that's been every night for two weeks now so...whatever.

Then I woke up this morning and I've been bursting into tears all morning. I'm not sure why my mother not being here is hitting me so hard today, except that I'm about to get a memorial tattoo for my mother instead of the tattoo I'd been planning for fun.

I'm going alone. I thought it would be unfair to ask a friend to sit in the waiting room for what I expect will be about 3 hours. Plus my appointment is at 6 so most of my friends are just getting out of work. Auntie and Nana are going to be staying in Melrose tonight, I believe. That kind of stuff still changes moment to moment. So, there really won't even be anyone to show it to.

Some old friends came down to visit Nana and Auntie yesterday. The Oster's (not sure if I'm spelling that correctly). I spoke to Auntie last night (they were still there) and she said how much my mother would have enjoyed catching up with them. She said they had just been sitting around reminiscing. It's not fair, my mother would have loved to have been there. I'm sure she was in spirit. It's just not fair. She was 56 and should have had plenty of time to reminisce with old friends.

We are working on cleaning out her room on Sunday. Me, Bryan and Angela and my friend Heather are going to tag team it. I need to get it done quickly and Bryan isn't one for organizing and sorting. Even less so with my mother's belongings. It's hard because my mother was very sentimental and has a LOT of stuff (just ask Nana ^^). I found a little box with our baby teeth in it the other day. I wish I'd found it earlier. We would have put them in with our newborn pictures and the "first hair cut" locks of hair that she carried with her every day. Those went into her coffin and went with her.

Nana is doing as well as can be expected. And Auntie is holding it together well. Hopefully the estate stuff will be over quickly so she can move forward with things without worrying about that stuff. I wish we could help more but she needs so much info and they won't give that to just anyone.

Ok, stay tuned for pictures of the tattoo.

The tattoo

Well, I'm getting a memorial tattoo on Friday. I just got back from meeting with the artist, Christian Hunter. He's going to spend a few days drawing it up and at 6pm friday we start it. I'll post a picture of it once it's healed.

It's going to be basically the angel above with a few changes.