God

I had a really bad night last night. Actually, that's not true. I had a wonderful night with Lloyd. We watched tv, cuddled and laughed a lot. Then I tried to go to sleep and couldn't. I've had a hard time falling asleep since my mother died.

What always comes back to me was being woken up at 4 in the morning and knowing my mother was going to die. Then my mind moves to the waiting room, then the private room she was in...the feel of her skin, still warm as I kissed her for the last time.

I had no idea how much I would miss my mother when she was gone. I had no idea how many things she was going to miss. Morgan with teeth and now crawling, her baptism which would have meant more to my mother than anyone else.

I had no idea what this would do to my faith in God. Did God decide to take my mother? I don't think so. I don't think there is one. I know there is something but there is no God. And if there is then he is cruel and not loving, at least not to me.

I've had too much happen to me in my life to doubt that there is something more to this life after we die but for me the loss of my mother simply proves that there is no "father" sitting in "heaven" deciding to let me be raped and repeatedly molested, abandoned by my father and lost without the one person I always knew would be there for me no matter what. There is no God who decided that I shouldn't have the things I've wanted for my entire life, a marriage and children. Life sucks and we make the best of it, we choose our path not some "higher" being floating in the sky somewhere.

I find it easier to believe I choose to put myself through these things in order to learn a lesson (Karma) then to believe that God decided that I should be punished like this.