And thank God it's only for two days. I'm not ready. I am still breaking down into tears on a regular basis. I keep being hit with things that I never thought of, all the little ways my mother touched my life. And every time I try to go back to the "normal" things I see yet another 50 ways that my mother's passing has left holes in my life.
I just want my mother and I can't have her and going back to my normal day to day processes just doesn't feel right. I know I have to but it's too soon.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Today
there won't be much today. I'm having a hard time.
I know I have a lot of people around me who love me but I feel so absolutely alone that I'm finding that hard to remember.
I just need some time to deal with this, to figure out how I can move on with my life without my mother or her advice or just the comfort of her being there when I'm afraid.
I also feel as if I'm loosing my other parent, Nana. She's going to be living with Auntie now (and soon) and I've never not been able to drop by and see her any time I want before. She's always been within a 20 min ride and the idea that she will now be over an hour away from me is devastating to me too. It's what has to be done, it's the best decision but I feel as if I'm loosing everyone I've loved and depended on in the last 25 years.
IT ALL SUCKS.
I know I have a lot of people around me who love me but I feel so absolutely alone that I'm finding that hard to remember.
I just need some time to deal with this, to figure out how I can move on with my life without my mother or her advice or just the comfort of her being there when I'm afraid.
I also feel as if I'm loosing my other parent, Nana. She's going to be living with Auntie now (and soon) and I've never not been able to drop by and see her any time I want before. She's always been within a 20 min ride and the idea that she will now be over an hour away from me is devastating to me too. It's what has to be done, it's the best decision but I feel as if I'm loosing everyone I've loved and depended on in the last 25 years.
IT ALL SUCKS.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Another day....
and it all feels wrong.
I went to see Nana and Auntie at my mother's house today. We talked a bit and I took a few little things from her room that I didn't want to be without. I know we have to move forward but it all just feels so wrong.
Bryan went to her office and collected some sentimental things she had at her desk. He also left some of the office type stuff for the girls at her work to have. I think she'd be so proud of him and how he's stepped up to take care of all of "his women". My mother and grandmother raised him right! He's focusing on the business end of all of this. Funny that it's something I just can't handle. Yet I've been better able to handle the disbursement of her personal things, to the people she loved and Bryan is having a very difficult time with that. Thank God we each (bry, me, Auntie) have things we can handle and someone else has stepped into handle what we each individually can't. And my poor Nana is just handling herself with our help. But she's hurt that God did this to her and when she told me that today I had nothing good to say to comfort her. I had no reason to give her to help her try to understand why God has taken two of her three children.
I called the house yesterday to speak to Nana and Auntie and they hadn't gotten back from visiting the north shore yet. The answering machine picked up and there was my mother, talking to me. It felt like a punch in the stomach but I think I'll keep the machine for later, when I want to hear it again. For now I'll just hang up before it picks up.
Today just hasn't been a good day for me. Except for the few minutes I spent with Morgan. She is really, literally, a God sent miracle. Without her we would never have made it through this. But to me she is the biggest expression of my mother's love. The fact that Bryan is the father he is, well that's all my mother and my Nana and it feels good when I remember that while Morgan might no have a lot of her own memories of my mother she will feel my mother's love each time her father lays his eyes on her and each time her mother kisses her.
Ok, that's it for me today. Love you all.
I went to see Nana and Auntie at my mother's house today. We talked a bit and I took a few little things from her room that I didn't want to be without. I know we have to move forward but it all just feels so wrong.
Bryan went to her office and collected some sentimental things she had at her desk. He also left some of the office type stuff for the girls at her work to have. I think she'd be so proud of him and how he's stepped up to take care of all of "his women". My mother and grandmother raised him right! He's focusing on the business end of all of this. Funny that it's something I just can't handle. Yet I've been better able to handle the disbursement of her personal things, to the people she loved and Bryan is having a very difficult time with that. Thank God we each (bry, me, Auntie) have things we can handle and someone else has stepped into handle what we each individually can't. And my poor Nana is just handling herself with our help. But she's hurt that God did this to her and when she told me that today I had nothing good to say to comfort her. I had no reason to give her to help her try to understand why God has taken two of her three children.
I called the house yesterday to speak to Nana and Auntie and they hadn't gotten back from visiting the north shore yet. The answering machine picked up and there was my mother, talking to me. It felt like a punch in the stomach but I think I'll keep the machine for later, when I want to hear it again. For now I'll just hang up before it picks up.
Today just hasn't been a good day for me. Except for the few minutes I spent with Morgan. She is really, literally, a God sent miracle. Without her we would never have made it through this. But to me she is the biggest expression of my mother's love. The fact that Bryan is the father he is, well that's all my mother and my Nana and it feels good when I remember that while Morgan might no have a lot of her own memories of my mother she will feel my mother's love each time her father lays his eyes on her and each time her mother kisses her.
Ok, that's it for me today. Love you all.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
A poem by Bridget
Remember
Remember the blueberry cake you always made?
My mom always tried to make it but it was never quite the same.
Remember all the times you took me to the movies?
We would always share a bag of Reese’s pieces.
Or the night’s I’d sleepover and we’d play board games?
Trouble and Yahtzee will never be the same.
Remember the time you took me to the pool and I met some of your friends?
I wish we could have done that again.
Remember when you taught me to tell time—
And helped me count by telling me you loved me all the way up to 1099?
I used to make you watch Babes in Toyland over and over again with me
And you always used to surprise me with a bag of cotton candy
I always loved sleeping in your water bed
You would make a ton of waves for me to tread
Now that you are gone a piece of us goes too
But I can smile now because I know Bubba is with you
Jones Ave will never shed the same light
But your sprit will live on every day and every night
I’m sure your voice will be missed on magic 106.7
And I bet you’ll be playing the lottery even in heaven
Don’t worry Auntie we’ll make sure Morgan knows every little detail about you
And she’ll love you just as much as we do
My mother's online guest book
Hello all,
I've been getting several questions today about the online guest book for my mother which was attached to her obit in both the ledger and the globe. I've enclosed a link to it below:
http://www.legacy.com/SouthOfBoston-Ledger/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=106131212
I've looked into it and this will remain online until April 21, 2008. I'm unsure at this point whether well print this off or purchase the book they offer.
There is also one at Cartwright funeral home at the following link:
http://www.cartwrightfuneral.com/viewMessages.php?id=1891
I'm unsure of how long this one stays up and will look into it.
I do want to say though that my family appreciates everything that has been said there and we have taken comfort in seeing how many people have reached out to us during our devastation. We thank God that we have such a sturdy foundation.
I've been getting several questions today about the online guest book for my mother which was attached to her obit in both the ledger and the globe. I've enclosed a link to it below:
http://www.legacy.com/SouthOfBoston-Ledger/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=106131212
I've looked into it and this will remain online until April 21, 2008. I'm unsure at this point whether well print this off or purchase the book they offer.
There is also one at Cartwright funeral home at the following link:
http://www.cartwrightfuneral.com/viewMessages.php?id=1891
I'm unsure of how long this one stays up and will look into it.
I do want to say though that my family appreciates everything that has been said there and we have taken comfort in seeing how many people have reached out to us during our devastation. We thank God that we have such a sturdy foundation.
Mom's Pennies
I just found this chain email my mother sent me. I saved it when she did because it was SOOOOO her (she wouldn't walk by a coin in the the parking lot and would in fact go out of her way to pick up a penny.) I wanted to share it. Remember this every time you start pass that little penny in the parking lot.
That Little Penny In The Parking Lot
I found a penny today laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny, this little coin I've found.
Found pennies come from heaven, that's what my Mumma told me.
She said Angels toss them down. Oh, how I loved that story.
She said when an Angel misses you, they toss a penny down;
Sometimes just to cheer you up, to make a smile out of your frown.
So, don't pass by that penny when you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven that our Angel tossed to you.
The day after
Well, today is the day after her funeral. I've got the Guardian Angel the girls from Mumma's work gave to me and Bryan. I had it lit until I feel to sleep last night and then flipped it on as soon as I woke up again. The light was so strong and bright in the darkness of my room last night and it made me feel like she was letting me know she was still there even though I feel so completely in the dark.
First, I want to thank each and every person who turned out over the last few days to support my Nana, my Aunt Karen, my brother and me. We knew there would be a large turn out but I don't think anyone really comprehended how much my mother would be missed by people outside of the family. We deeply appreciate the flowers, the cards, the angels and the lamp and all of the kind words. To those at Peabody Properties, to "her girls" and to all of the rest, thank you for making every day good for her. Thank you for the reception after her funeral which was so helpful to my family and for which my mother would have been deeply moved and appreciative.
I wish I had been able to express myself better while you were all around me. I've just found it very hard to think beyond the next few minutes. My mother was such a huge part of my life that if I don't just focus on what's right in front of me I become so very overwhelmed by how many dialy moments are normally full of her. I don't exaggerate when I say I called her (and she called me) 50 times a day.
The one double edged blessing in all this is that because Lloyd (my boyfriend) lost his mother just a few weeks before my mother died I said the things to my mother that most people in this situation only wish they'd said. I told her how I was too young to loose my mother, I told her that I loved her too much to be without her any time soon. I told her if she was ever in the position of Lloyd's mother (sick for a prolonged period of time) I wouldn't have been able to leave her side and she told me that when her time came she wanted it to be fast. No pain for her and no drawn out aguish for us. I'm glad that she went the way she wanted to but I'm angry beyond words that it was so soon and that it was at a time in her life when she was so damn happy. She told me she wasn't going anywhere any time soon. She said she fully intended to be in GG's (what the baby "calls" my Nana) position and she would some day be holding Morgan's baby. I believed her!! I didn't think anything, including God, could OR WOULD take my mother from that baby. It's just W-R-O-N-G.
My brother is doing as well as can be expected. He's really pulled things together for me and the family. I worry about him, though Angela says she making sure he's processing things and not avoiding them completely and that the baby has been good for him (for all of us really). I feel sad that I haven't been able to handle more. As his big sissy, I feel like this should all be my job. He's the man of the house sure, he's been the man of the house since he was a baby, but he is also my mother's baby boy (a thing I used to sometimes say with scorn, but say now entirely with love).
One thing everyone is asking is what Nana is going to be doing. Things are up in the air now but it looks like she will be going to live with my Aunt. This all changes moment to moment though, as does everything in my world right now.
Nana and Auntie are also doing as well as can be expected. Nana has it hardest I think, having now lost two of her children. My Aunt is the remaining member of the pack of siblings so she has her own things to work though too I'm sure. She's the executor for my mother's estate so she hasn't had a moment really to process between caring for Nana and my mother's business. She has been an enormous help for my brother and I though, allowing us to focus on getting through this without having to be strong 24/7 for Nana. Though I worry about her now and hope we figure out some way to relieve her soon so that she can be with her family.
Today is my first day alone. My boyfriend went back to work and I sit here with no one around me for the first time in almost a week. It's hard but it's good too.
My mother loved you all. Please keep in touch here and check back as often as you can and I will post as often as I can.
First, I want to thank each and every person who turned out over the last few days to support my Nana, my Aunt Karen, my brother and me. We knew there would be a large turn out but I don't think anyone really comprehended how much my mother would be missed by people outside of the family. We deeply appreciate the flowers, the cards, the angels and the lamp and all of the kind words. To those at Peabody Properties, to "her girls" and to all of the rest, thank you for making every day good for her. Thank you for the reception after her funeral which was so helpful to my family and for which my mother would have been deeply moved and appreciative.
I wish I had been able to express myself better while you were all around me. I've just found it very hard to think beyond the next few minutes. My mother was such a huge part of my life that if I don't just focus on what's right in front of me I become so very overwhelmed by how many dialy moments are normally full of her. I don't exaggerate when I say I called her (and she called me) 50 times a day.
The one double edged blessing in all this is that because Lloyd (my boyfriend) lost his mother just a few weeks before my mother died I said the things to my mother that most people in this situation only wish they'd said. I told her how I was too young to loose my mother, I told her that I loved her too much to be without her any time soon. I told her if she was ever in the position of Lloyd's mother (sick for a prolonged period of time) I wouldn't have been able to leave her side and she told me that when her time came she wanted it to be fast. No pain for her and no drawn out aguish for us. I'm glad that she went the way she wanted to but I'm angry beyond words that it was so soon and that it was at a time in her life when she was so damn happy. She told me she wasn't going anywhere any time soon. She said she fully intended to be in GG's (what the baby "calls" my Nana) position and she would some day be holding Morgan's baby. I believed her!! I didn't think anything, including God, could OR WOULD take my mother from that baby. It's just W-R-O-N-G.
My brother is doing as well as can be expected. He's really pulled things together for me and the family. I worry about him, though Angela says she making sure he's processing things and not avoiding them completely and that the baby has been good for him (for all of us really). I feel sad that I haven't been able to handle more. As his big sissy, I feel like this should all be my job. He's the man of the house sure, he's been the man of the house since he was a baby, but he is also my mother's baby boy (a thing I used to sometimes say with scorn, but say now entirely with love).
One thing everyone is asking is what Nana is going to be doing. Things are up in the air now but it looks like she will be going to live with my Aunt. This all changes moment to moment though, as does everything in my world right now.
Nana and Auntie are also doing as well as can be expected. Nana has it hardest I think, having now lost two of her children. My Aunt is the remaining member of the pack of siblings so she has her own things to work though too I'm sure. She's the executor for my mother's estate so she hasn't had a moment really to process between caring for Nana and my mother's business. She has been an enormous help for my brother and I though, allowing us to focus on getting through this without having to be strong 24/7 for Nana. Though I worry about her now and hope we figure out some way to relieve her soon so that she can be with her family.
Today is my first day alone. My boyfriend went back to work and I sit here with no one around me for the first time in almost a week. It's hard but it's good too.
My mother loved you all. Please keep in touch here and check back as often as you can and I will post as often as I can.
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