Another day....

and it all feels wrong.

I went to see Nana and Auntie at my mother's house today. We talked a bit and I took a few little things from her room that I didn't want to be without. I know we have to move forward but it all just feels so wrong.

Bryan went to her office and collected some sentimental things she had at her desk. He also left some of the office type stuff for the girls at her work to have. I think she'd be so proud of him and how he's stepped up to take care of all of "his women". My mother and grandmother raised him right! He's focusing on the business end of all of this. Funny that it's something I just can't handle. Yet I've been better able to handle the disbursement of her personal things, to the people she loved and Bryan is having a very difficult time with that. Thank God we each (bry, me, Auntie) have things we can handle and someone else has stepped into handle what we each individually can't. And my poor Nana is just handling herself with our help. But she's hurt that God did this to her and when she told me that today I had nothing good to say to comfort her. I had no reason to give her to help her try to understand why God has taken two of her three children.

I called the house yesterday to speak to Nana and Auntie and they hadn't gotten back from visiting the north shore yet. The answering machine picked up and there was my mother, talking to me. It felt like a punch in the stomach but I think I'll keep the machine for later, when I want to hear it again. For now I'll just hang up before it picks up.

Today just hasn't been a good day for me. Except for the few minutes I spent with Morgan. She is really, literally, a God sent miracle. Without her we would never have made it through this. But to me she is the biggest expression of my mother's love. The fact that Bryan is the father he is, well that's all my mother and my Nana and it feels good when I remember that while Morgan might no have a lot of her own memories of my mother she will feel my mother's love each time her father lays his eyes on her and each time her mother kisses her.

Ok, that's it for me today. Love you all.