Well, today is the day after her funeral. I've got the Guardian Angel the girls from Mumma's work gave to me and Bryan. I had it lit until I feel to sleep last night and then flipped it on as soon as I woke up again. The light was so strong and bright in the darkness of my room last night and it made me feel like she was letting me know she was still there even though I feel so completely in the dark.
First, I want to thank each and every person who turned out over the last few days to support my Nana, my Aunt Karen, my brother and me. We knew there would be a large turn out but I don't think anyone really comprehended how much my mother would be missed by people outside of the family. We deeply appreciate the flowers, the cards, the angels and the lamp and all of the kind words. To those at Peabody Properties, to "her girls" and to all of the rest, thank you for making every day good for her. Thank you for the reception after her funeral which was so helpful to my family and for which my mother would have been deeply moved and appreciative.
I wish I had been able to express myself better while you were all around me. I've just found it very hard to think beyond the next few minutes. My mother was such a huge part of my life that if I don't just focus on what's right in front of me I become so very overwhelmed by how many dialy moments are normally full of her. I don't exaggerate when I say I called her (and she called me) 50 times a day.
The one double edged blessing in all this is that because Lloyd (my boyfriend) lost his mother just a few weeks before my mother died I said the things to my mother that most people in this situation only wish they'd said. I told her how I was too young to loose my mother, I told her that I loved her too much to be without her any time soon. I told her if she was ever in the position of Lloyd's mother (sick for a prolonged period of time) I wouldn't have been able to leave her side and she told me that when her time came she wanted it to be fast. No pain for her and no drawn out aguish for us. I'm glad that she went the way she wanted to but I'm angry beyond words that it was so soon and that it was at a time in her life when she was so damn happy. She told me she wasn't going anywhere any time soon. She said she fully intended to be in GG's (what the baby "calls" my Nana) position and she would some day be holding Morgan's baby. I believed her!! I didn't think anything, including God, could OR WOULD take my mother from that baby. It's just W-R-O-N-G.
My brother is doing as well as can be expected. He's really pulled things together for me and the family. I worry about him, though Angela says she making sure he's processing things and not avoiding them completely and that the baby has been good for him (for all of us really). I feel sad that I haven't been able to handle more. As his big sissy, I feel like this should all be my job. He's the man of the house sure, he's been the man of the house since he was a baby, but he is also my mother's baby boy (a thing I used to sometimes say with scorn, but say now entirely with love).
One thing everyone is asking is what Nana is going to be doing. Things are up in the air now but it looks like she will be going to live with my Aunt. This all changes moment to moment though, as does everything in my world right now.
Nana and Auntie are also doing as well as can be expected. Nana has it hardest I think, having now lost two of her children. My Aunt is the remaining member of the pack of siblings so she has her own things to work though too I'm sure. She's the executor for my mother's estate so she hasn't had a moment really to process between caring for Nana and my mother's business. She has been an enormous help for my brother and I though, allowing us to focus on getting through this without having to be strong 24/7 for Nana. Though I worry about her now and hope we figure out some way to relieve her soon so that she can be with her family.
Today is my first day alone. My boyfriend went back to work and I sit here with no one around me for the first time in almost a week. It's hard but it's good too.
My mother loved you all. Please keep in touch here and check back as often as you can and I will post as often as I can.
First, I want to thank each and every person who turned out over the last few days to support my Nana, my Aunt Karen, my brother and me. We knew there would be a large turn out but I don't think anyone really comprehended how much my mother would be missed by people outside of the family. We deeply appreciate the flowers, the cards, the angels and the lamp and all of the kind words. To those at Peabody Properties, to "her girls" and to all of the rest, thank you for making every day good for her. Thank you for the reception after her funeral which was so helpful to my family and for which my mother would have been deeply moved and appreciative.
I wish I had been able to express myself better while you were all around me. I've just found it very hard to think beyond the next few minutes. My mother was such a huge part of my life that if I don't just focus on what's right in front of me I become so very overwhelmed by how many dialy moments are normally full of her. I don't exaggerate when I say I called her (and she called me) 50 times a day.
The one double edged blessing in all this is that because Lloyd (my boyfriend) lost his mother just a few weeks before my mother died I said the things to my mother that most people in this situation only wish they'd said. I told her how I was too young to loose my mother, I told her that I loved her too much to be without her any time soon. I told her if she was ever in the position of Lloyd's mother (sick for a prolonged period of time) I wouldn't have been able to leave her side and she told me that when her time came she wanted it to be fast. No pain for her and no drawn out aguish for us. I'm glad that she went the way she wanted to but I'm angry beyond words that it was so soon and that it was at a time in her life when she was so damn happy. She told me she wasn't going anywhere any time soon. She said she fully intended to be in GG's (what the baby "calls" my Nana) position and she would some day be holding Morgan's baby. I believed her!! I didn't think anything, including God, could OR WOULD take my mother from that baby. It's just W-R-O-N-G.
My brother is doing as well as can be expected. He's really pulled things together for me and the family. I worry about him, though Angela says she making sure he's processing things and not avoiding them completely and that the baby has been good for him (for all of us really). I feel sad that I haven't been able to handle more. As his big sissy, I feel like this should all be my job. He's the man of the house sure, he's been the man of the house since he was a baby, but he is also my mother's baby boy (a thing I used to sometimes say with scorn, but say now entirely with love).
One thing everyone is asking is what Nana is going to be doing. Things are up in the air now but it looks like she will be going to live with my Aunt. This all changes moment to moment though, as does everything in my world right now.
Nana and Auntie are also doing as well as can be expected. Nana has it hardest I think, having now lost two of her children. My Aunt is the remaining member of the pack of siblings so she has her own things to work though too I'm sure. She's the executor for my mother's estate so she hasn't had a moment really to process between caring for Nana and my mother's business. She has been an enormous help for my brother and I though, allowing us to focus on getting through this without having to be strong 24/7 for Nana. Though I worry about her now and hope we figure out some way to relieve her soon so that she can be with her family.
Today is my first day alone. My boyfriend went back to work and I sit here with no one around me for the first time in almost a week. It's hard but it's good too.
My mother loved you all. Please keep in touch here and check back as often as you can and I will post as often as I can.
2 comments:
This is a really good idea. I love you <3
I finally got a chance to look at the journal. What a beautiful memorial for your mom. I love you, -Auntie
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