Thanksgiving

I miss you mum...

The house is done

Well the check is in the bank. The house is no longer ours. Since I was never asked for my keys I assume that the new owners changed the locks (which would be the first thing I'd do too) and I find I can't take them off my key ring. I still have "Mom and Nana" on my cell phone too. It's amazing how many times I still hit number 4 to call and tell them something exciting.

Everyone says it gets easier to bear but I find, so far, it gets harder. Every time Morgan has a "first" or a holiday comes I feel the hole she's left that much stronger. And with Thanksgiving (which isn't my favorite holiday by far) and the other holidays coming up I feel very isolated and lonely.

I miss her MORE every day.

The house

I went to my mother's house for the last time yesterday. Lloyd and I went to pick up the last few things that were coming to my house, Christmas decorations, the vacuum, etc.

It was not an easy time. As happy as I am that the house is sold (pretty much, we close on Friday) the idea that we will never again walk through those doors is much more upsetting than I'd imagined it would be.

I know it's silly, it's just a house but it was my home for over 25 years. I know what made it a home isn't there any longer and now someone else will make of it what my family did, but it's still depressing....

Ok, it's been a long time since I wrote. There has been so much going on, a new job which I'm no longer at, new friends, old friends, family and just life.

The newest news is that the sale for my mother's house is expected to close without problems on Halloween. This is good news for so many reasons but I'm taking it very hard. I'm just freaking out. It needs to go, we've all been praying for someone to buy it before the winter but it's the house I grew up in and it is my HOME. It's the place where Santa and the Easter Bunny came, the tooth fairy too. It's the place where I went when I was sad, or sick or just lonely. It's where my FAMILY was and where they always came back to and it's going to be gone.

I am trying to tell myself it's just a house, that some other family will warm it and make it into a home for themselves and have the kind of memories my family made. It doesn't help though, it really doesn't.

Every aspect of my life has been changed since March. All the things I thought were solid, fell through. And everyone says it's going to get better but I just don't see how. I just want my mother back.

Thank you

I found this song today and it made me cry. I feel like I could have written it. I wish I'd heard it before I lost my mom.

Thank You

by Good Charlotte

Always

Always and forever

I'm sitting here I'm thinking back to a time when i was young

My memory is clear as day

I'm listening to the dishes clean

You were downstairs you would sing

Songs of praise

And all the times we laughed with you

And all the times that you stayed true to us

Now we say

I said I thank you

I'll always thank you

More than you could know

Than i could ever show

And I love you

I'll always love you

There's nothing i won't do to say these words to you

That you're beautiful forever

You were my mom you were my dad

The only thing i ever had was you it's true

And even when the times got hard you were there to let

Us know that we'd get through

You showed me how to be a man

You taught me how to understand the things people do

You showed me how to love my god

You taught me that not everyone knows the truth

And i thank you

I'll always thank you

More than you could know

Than i could ever show

And i love you

I'll always love you

There's nothing i won't do to say these words to you

That you will live forever

Always

God

I had a really bad night last night. Actually, that's not true. I had a wonderful night with Lloyd. We watched tv, cuddled and laughed a lot. Then I tried to go to sleep and couldn't. I've had a hard time falling asleep since my mother died.

What always comes back to me was being woken up at 4 in the morning and knowing my mother was going to die. Then my mind moves to the waiting room, then the private room she was in...the feel of her skin, still warm as I kissed her for the last time.

I had no idea how much I would miss my mother when she was gone. I had no idea how many things she was going to miss. Morgan with teeth and now crawling, her baptism which would have meant more to my mother than anyone else.

I had no idea what this would do to my faith in God. Did God decide to take my mother? I don't think so. I don't think there is one. I know there is something but there is no God. And if there is then he is cruel and not loving, at least not to me.

I've had too much happen to me in my life to doubt that there is something more to this life after we die but for me the loss of my mother simply proves that there is no "father" sitting in "heaven" deciding to let me be raped and repeatedly molested, abandoned by my father and lost without the one person I always knew would be there for me no matter what. There is no God who decided that I shouldn't have the things I've wanted for my entire life, a marriage and children. Life sucks and we make the best of it, we choose our path not some "higher" being floating in the sky somewhere.

I find it easier to believe I choose to put myself through these things in order to learn a lesson (Karma) then to believe that God decided that I should be punished like this.

Koi Fish turning into a dragon

Well it's almost healed and I'm going to have it colored on Wednesday. I'm going to see the artist today with Lloyd who is getting his piece done next Saturday. It came out really well. I like it a great deal more than the work the last artist I went to did. In fact, I'm going to speak to him today and see if he can fix a few issues I have with my mother's tattoo and then have it colored by him as well. I regret having not been more patient and waiting until I meet Ray. He's way More experienced and a better artist. I'll post another picture when it's colored.

For anyone who doesn't know what a Koi fish represents here is the explanation:

According to an ancient legend legend if a koi succeeded in climbing the falls at a point called Dragon Gate on the Yellow River it would be transformed into a dragon.

Based on that legend, it became a symbol of worldly aspiration and advancement.

More generally, the Japanese associate koi with perseverance through adversity and strength of purpose. Because of its strength and determination to overcome obstacles, it stands for courage and the ability to attain high goals.

Others say it means good fortune or luck.

Another day

This past weekend was a full one.

On Friday night I went to Middleboro to see the tattoo my brother got as a memorial to my mother. It came out beautifully and I will get a good picture of it to post as soon as I can. It's a Celtic cross (hand drawn...very impressive with the knot work) with M O M in the top three branches of the cross. He also got Morgan's name on his arm too. They really came out great. I go on Thursday for my next piece.

Sat was my cousin Timmy's graduation party. First, I can't believe all my baby cousins are now out of high school. It makes me feel old. It was really nice to see everyone there. It's been a long time since I went up there. In fact, I don't think I've gone since my uncle died. It was nice, but still hard at the same time because everything just seemed to scream "two of the people you've loved most in your life aren't here and never will be again." I took comfort in the family and how many of them were happy to see me. It's still very hard for me though. As always, Morgan and Bryan were my biggest comfort. It was nice to see everyone relaxing and having fun though.

Sunday I had breakfast with the newest Daddy in my family, my brother. We had a very nice breakfast and Squishy (a.k.a. Morgan) was the center of attention as usual in her cowgirl hat. Three days with her in public was quite and eye opener. I know that I'm partial to her because she's my niece but it's amazing to be in public with her where everyone stops to look at her and tell us how beautiful she is!!

My mother was so proud of the father my brother is already. I wish she was here to watch him grow as one and to see how much Morgan loves him.

My mother's Candle

My mother was a very active member of her church (Trinity Episcopal, Randolph) and they dedicated a candle in her name two weeks ago. Unfortunately I wasn't able to go. Lloyd had been very sick with a stomach virus and that morning I had some symptoms. So, because the baby and Nana would have been there I had to stay home. I was heart broken but they tell me it was a beautiful service. The picture they had of her next to the candle is probably one of the best pictures I've ever seen of her. It's a happy picture.

I miss her more every single day. It hasn't gotten a bit easier and although I'm told by everyone it will I simply don't believe it. I'll get better at bearing the burden of her loss but it will never be easier.

Nana is, of course, still having a hard time. Each of us are I guess. Today is Bryan's 31st birthday and although we haven't talked about it today I know it's hard for him to not here my mother sing an out of tune Happy Birthday song to him. Although when I sang to him he said, sarcastically (but lovingly) "I'm not sure who has a "better" voice, you or Angela..."

Well, tonight we meet at the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate him and then he and Kevin (our cousin) head down to the new MGM hotel at Foxwoods to gamble and WIN BIG.

Love you all,
me

Morning

Good morning all. I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. Things have been hectic, as usual and I just haven't had a lot of time to sit and think, let alone write.

I just wanted to say that I'm not sending any thank you notes out to people. I appreciate deeply all the support I've gotten from all of you but it's just too hard to go back and revisit that day in order to say something nice to all of those who were there for me. If you haven't gotten a thank you from me please understand that I DO THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. I love you all and we wouldn't have made it through this, this far, if it hadn't been for you.

I've started sending out resumes so hopefully I'll be back to work soon. I've got my house mostly settled though I still have a pile of clutter to go through from my mother's house.

We've gotten on round of offers on the house. Of course, the woman who offered must have been high on something because there was NO way we were taking the hit she wanted us to take. Dream on!! But I'm confident that it will sell, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Love you all!

The day before Mother's day

Morning everyone.

I'm sorry to those of you who have been worried because I haven't posted in awhile. Things have been hectic and emotional and I've just been using every minute of down time to try to get my head straight (which really hasn't happened).

I went out and bought a temperpedic bed. It was something my mother really wanted me to buy because she felt it would help with my RA and the pain I've been in for so long. She had planned to help me buy it but she left us the weekend before we were to go shopping. Anyway, it was delivered on Wed and I am a whole different person! It was expensive and at first I had a lot of guilt for buying a mattress that costs that much but now I will tell anyone dealing with pain to do it. It's worth every single penny. In fact I went to visit Bryan and Morgan (Angela was going off to a 5 hour scrap booking day) and both Bryan and Angela commented on the fact that I was moving much better. I didn't even realize I'd done anything differently until they said it. Bry said he's never seen me go up the stairs and then down onto the floor to play with Squishy so easily.

I'm getting another tattoo as well. This one is for me and this one is the one I wanted. The artist is working on it now. It's a Japanese piece, a Koi fish turning into a dragon. The legend is that if a Koi could make it to the top of Dragon Falls it would turn into a Dragon. It represents spiritual and physical change through perseverance and trails. It's going to be on the other arm but bigger and colored than the angel.


I still haven't found a job though I haven't been looking hard. We had so much to do with cleaning out the house and everything that it hasn't been a top priority. Well, my severance pay has run out so it is now.

At this point, my goal is just getting through tomorrow. Mother's day will ALWAYS SUCK for me but this one is the worst. I can't watch TV or listen the radio. I went out a few time thinking it was better then sitting around the house but twice I had to leave a store because I saw something that started me crying and I just couldn't stop. I feel bad because it's Angela's first Mother's day and it's overshadowed by the loss of my mother. We are giving her ***edit! I just realized Angela reads this so I'll put what we got her back here after tomorrow!*** I think it will mean more to her than anything else I could have picked up.

I went to see Bryan and the baby yesterday. I'll tell you that she has been Bryan's and my saving grace through all of this. You simply can't be sad around her!

I want my mother....

...that's what keeps going through my head, over and over again. "I want my mother."

The only way I can think to explain how I feel is that one time, when we were little in NC, my mother, Bryan and I were out shopping at a mall when we got seperated. I remember being absolutely terrified but I took Bryan's hand (he was very little) and walked directly to a girl in a uniform at a fast food place and told her we lost our mother. Seconds later Mom was there to calm the panic. Being little we had just lost sight of each other in the crowd for what felt like hours but was really probably only 5 min.

The problem is this time my mother isn't going to find us and Bryan is the one holding my hand and telling me it will be ok. It just doesn't feel that way. I don't know how it will ever be "ok" again.

I miss my Uncle more than I could ever explain to someone. But my mother? "Miss" is too weak of a word and I can't come up with another word that begins to explain it, this feeling. I still wake up every morning praying that this was just another one of my vivid, horrible nightmares. And then I roll over in bed and see her printer's drawer on my wall or the Angel on my alter and I feel that all too familiar punch in the stomach. It doesn't get any more real than this.

1 month

Today is one month. It feels like 10 years has been crammed into that one month and at the same time it feels like she left us yesterday.

We cleaned out the majority of the house yesterday with the help of Bridget, Kevin, Angela, Tony, Eric Dietz and Sanders, Heather, Mrs. Park and Kathleen. It went well but by the end I was physically and mentally exhausted. I didn't sleep well the night before either. It's all just emotionally draining and stressful for everyone.

We had a few laughs and more than a few tears. We've got another week to get the rest of the house emptied and cleaned but we filled the large dumpster half way through the day yesterday and now we have to await another small one being delivered before we can go any further. My mother did not know how to throw anything away. lol I think my brother counted 11 pairs of crutches? And we found things packed away that I'm positive my mother didn't even remember.

Monday

So much going on. I'm breaking my back purging "things" from my home in order to take on some of mom's things. I've been doing good, I think, keeping only those things that are really important. I just don't have a lot of room to begin with. Though it's funny how things I would have had a hard time throwing away a month ago are now no Brainrs for the "don't need it" pile.

Nana is doing well, starting to settle in at Auntie's. Auntie is starting to cross thing's off her "to do" list regularly as well. Bryan, Angela and the baby are doing well too. I spent all of last Sat with Morgan. She's rolling over now (she's not sure what to do once she's on her belly but she's on her way!) and she's becoming much more aware of who she's with and who they are. I am a witness that she said Mumma several times and I'm confident it was as in "I'm sleepy where's my Mumma?" I'm sure Dada is next and then of course AUNTIE!!

The tattoo is almost healed. I'm still going back and forth as to whether or not I want to color it. I start a yoga class on Wed morning. And I'm just trying to prepare for the attempt to go "back to normal" which I still think is ridiculous. There is no normal without my mother. So, I guess it's more accurate to say it's time to start preparing to getting back to something.

Peace and love everyone,
Me

Three weeks

Well, three weeks ago today my mother left us. It's been a blur, especially the last week or so. We've started cleaning out the house, Nana is primarily at Auntie's in Melrose and I am having a really hard time adjusting.

I feel as if I'm loosing almost everything. I knew someday the family home where Nana, my mother, Bryan and I lived our lives would be sold. This is too hard though, having to deal with it this way. I have two parents, my mother and my grandmother and now they are both being taken away. I know Melrose isn't THAT far away, but it feels like she might as well be in FL. It's been hitting me hard that after the house is sold Bryan and I have no place to go back to. No more Christmas eve at Mom and Nana's. No bringing them the hanging flower pots I bought them every year for mother's day (and they are popping up at every flower stand I pass which seems to be on every corner). The phone is even shut off and I can now no longer hear my mother's voice on her answering machine.

I also never realized how often my mother filled the role of best friend to me. I remember days of phone call after phone call when I would say "It's me again mum, sorry to be a pain but I wanted to call and tell you...." or "Ma, you've called me 50 times in a row...how can you have something else to tell me?!". I would give anything for her to tell me a story she'd already told me 40 times.

Let's face it, I'm no longer a people person. Too much has happened in my life and I just don't do well with long phone conversations or hanging out with a large group of people. As much as I love you all, I'm not one to call and chat especially at an emotional time like this. Yet I never realized how often I called my mother for comfort when it came to my health issues or when I was just down or lonely. I know that I am not alone in the world. I have friends and family who care but I want my mother and no one else, as much as they try, can comfort me.

Ok, that's it for me today. I just wanted to check in because I haven't in a few days.

Love you all.

Ta daaaaa

Well here it is. It came out excellent. The artist did exactly what I wanted and it's without a doubt the best piece of work I have. I think my mother would like it and so far everyone else has too. It's still a bit sore (feels much like a bad sun burn) and after 3 hours of tattooing I was nearing my limit when he said he was done. The detail is great and I'll post another picture after it's healed and not covered in A&D ointment and shinny. My only complaint about the picture is that because it's a close up it looks like I have a huge MAN arm.

I picked up mum's ashes today. Nana went to Auntie's for a few days. The last two days have been a roller coaster for me and tomorrow we clean out her room. So, that's it for today.

Love you all.

Comments

I just wanted to invite anyone reading this to leave comments.

Even if it's just a hello, a story about my mother, a story about missing my mother or just something you are thinking about feel free to leave a comment on any of the entries I've made or on this one specifically.

Two weeks and one day

Well today I get my tattoo (as longs as the artist shows me something I like of course lol).

It's funny, I expected to have a hard day yesterday. It was the two week mark and I assumed it would be a bad day. It wasn't that bad though, probably because I kept busy with chores around the house and errands around town. I had a hard time falling asleep but that's been every night for two weeks now so...whatever.

Then I woke up this morning and I've been bursting into tears all morning. I'm not sure why my mother not being here is hitting me so hard today, except that I'm about to get a memorial tattoo for my mother instead of the tattoo I'd been planning for fun.

I'm going alone. I thought it would be unfair to ask a friend to sit in the waiting room for what I expect will be about 3 hours. Plus my appointment is at 6 so most of my friends are just getting out of work. Auntie and Nana are going to be staying in Melrose tonight, I believe. That kind of stuff still changes moment to moment. So, there really won't even be anyone to show it to.

Some old friends came down to visit Nana and Auntie yesterday. The Oster's (not sure if I'm spelling that correctly). I spoke to Auntie last night (they were still there) and she said how much my mother would have enjoyed catching up with them. She said they had just been sitting around reminiscing. It's not fair, my mother would have loved to have been there. I'm sure she was in spirit. It's just not fair. She was 56 and should have had plenty of time to reminisce with old friends.

We are working on cleaning out her room on Sunday. Me, Bryan and Angela and my friend Heather are going to tag team it. I need to get it done quickly and Bryan isn't one for organizing and sorting. Even less so with my mother's belongings. It's hard because my mother was very sentimental and has a LOT of stuff (just ask Nana ^^). I found a little box with our baby teeth in it the other day. I wish I'd found it earlier. We would have put them in with our newborn pictures and the "first hair cut" locks of hair that she carried with her every day. Those went into her coffin and went with her.

Nana is doing as well as can be expected. And Auntie is holding it together well. Hopefully the estate stuff will be over quickly so she can move forward with things without worrying about that stuff. I wish we could help more but she needs so much info and they won't give that to just anyone.

Ok, stay tuned for pictures of the tattoo.

The tattoo

Well, I'm getting a memorial tattoo on Friday. I just got back from meeting with the artist, Christian Hunter. He's going to spend a few days drawing it up and at 6pm friday we start it. I'll post a picture of it once it's healed.

It's going to be basically the angel above with a few changes.

Back to work

And thank God it's only for two days. I'm not ready. I am still breaking down into tears on a regular basis. I keep being hit with things that I never thought of, all the little ways my mother touched my life. And every time I try to go back to the "normal" things I see yet another 50 ways that my mother's passing has left holes in my life.

I just want my mother and I can't have her and going back to my normal day to day processes just doesn't feel right. I know I have to but it's too soon.

Today

there won't be much today. I'm having a hard time.

I know I have a lot of people around me who love me but I feel so absolutely alone that I'm finding that hard to remember.

I just need some time to deal with this, to figure out how I can move on with my life without my mother or her advice or just the comfort of her being there when I'm afraid.

I also feel as if I'm loosing my other parent, Nana. She's going to be living with Auntie now (and soon) and I've never not been able to drop by and see her any time I want before. She's always been within a 20 min ride and the idea that she will now be over an hour away from me is devastating to me too. It's what has to be done, it's the best decision but I feel as if I'm loosing everyone I've loved and depended on in the last 25 years.

IT ALL SUCKS.

; ;

I just keep thinking this isn't real. My mother isn't really gone. This is such a nightmare.

Another day....

and it all feels wrong.

I went to see Nana and Auntie at my mother's house today. We talked a bit and I took a few little things from her room that I didn't want to be without. I know we have to move forward but it all just feels so wrong.

Bryan went to her office and collected some sentimental things she had at her desk. He also left some of the office type stuff for the girls at her work to have. I think she'd be so proud of him and how he's stepped up to take care of all of "his women". My mother and grandmother raised him right! He's focusing on the business end of all of this. Funny that it's something I just can't handle. Yet I've been better able to handle the disbursement of her personal things, to the people she loved and Bryan is having a very difficult time with that. Thank God we each (bry, me, Auntie) have things we can handle and someone else has stepped into handle what we each individually can't. And my poor Nana is just handling herself with our help. But she's hurt that God did this to her and when she told me that today I had nothing good to say to comfort her. I had no reason to give her to help her try to understand why God has taken two of her three children.

I called the house yesterday to speak to Nana and Auntie and they hadn't gotten back from visiting the north shore yet. The answering machine picked up and there was my mother, talking to me. It felt like a punch in the stomach but I think I'll keep the machine for later, when I want to hear it again. For now I'll just hang up before it picks up.

Today just hasn't been a good day for me. Except for the few minutes I spent with Morgan. She is really, literally, a God sent miracle. Without her we would never have made it through this. But to me she is the biggest expression of my mother's love. The fact that Bryan is the father he is, well that's all my mother and my Nana and it feels good when I remember that while Morgan might no have a lot of her own memories of my mother she will feel my mother's love each time her father lays his eyes on her and each time her mother kisses her.

Ok, that's it for me today. Love you all.

A poem by Bridget

Remember

Remember the blueberry cake you always made?
My mom always tried to make it but it was never quite the same.
Remember all the times you took me to the movies?
We would always share a bag of Reese’s pieces.
Or the night’s I’d sleepover and we’d play board games?
Trouble and Yahtzee will never be the same.
Remember the time you took me to the pool and I met some of your friends?
I wish we could have done that again.
Remember when you taught me to tell time—
And helped me count by telling me you loved me all the way up to 1099?
I used to make you watch Babes in Toyland over and over again with me
And you always used to surprise me with a bag of cotton candy
I always loved sleeping in your water bed
You would make a ton of waves for me to tread
Now that you are gone a piece of us goes too
But I can smile now because I know Bubba is with you
Jones Ave will never shed the same light
But your sprit will live on every day and every night
I’m sure your voice will be missed on magic 106.7
And I bet you’ll be playing the lottery even in heaven
Don’t worry Auntie we’ll make sure Morgan knows every little detail about you
And she’ll love you just as much as we do

My mother's online guest book

Hello all,

I've been getting several questions today about the online guest book for my mother which was attached to her obit in both the ledger and the globe. I've enclosed a link to it below:

http://www.legacy.com/SouthOfBoston-Ledger/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=106131212

I've looked into it and this will remain online until April 21, 2008. I'm unsure at this point whether well print this off or purchase the book they offer.

There is also one at Cartwright funeral home at the following link:

http://www.cartwrightfuneral.com/viewMessages.php?id=1891

I'm unsure of how long this one stays up and will look into it.

I do want to say though that my family appreciates everything that has been said there and we have taken comfort in seeing how many people have reached out to us during our devastation. We thank God that we have such a sturdy foundation.

Mom's Pennies

I just found this chain email my mother sent me. I saved it when she did because it was SOOOOO her (she wouldn't walk by a coin in the the parking lot and would in fact go out of her way to pick up a penny.) I wanted to share it. Remember this every time you start pass that little penny in the parking lot.

That Little Penny In The Parking Lot


I found a penny today laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny, this little coin I've found.
Found pennies come from heaven, that's what my Mumma told me.
She said Angels toss them down. Oh, how I loved that story.
She said when an Angel misses you, they toss a penny down;
Sometimes just to cheer you up, to make a smile out of your frown.
So, don't pass by that penny when you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven that our Angel tossed to you.

The day after

Well, today is the day after her funeral. I've got the Guardian Angel the girls from Mumma's work gave to me and Bryan. I had it lit until I feel to sleep last night and then flipped it on as soon as I woke up again. The light was so strong and bright in the darkness of my room last night and it made me feel like she was letting me know she was still there even though I feel so completely in the dark.

First, I want to thank each and every person who turned out over the last few days to support my Nana, my Aunt Karen, my brother and me. We knew there would be a large turn out but I don't think anyone really comprehended how much my mother would be missed by people outside of the family. We deeply appreciate the flowers, the cards, the angels and the lamp and all of the kind words. To those at Peabody Properties, to "her girls" and to all of the rest, thank you for making every day good for her. Thank you for the reception after her funeral which was so helpful to my family and for which my mother would have been deeply moved and appreciative.

I wish I had been able to express myself better while you were all around me. I've just found it very hard to think beyond the next few minutes. My mother was such a huge part of my life that if I don't just focus on what's right in front of me I become so very overwhelmed by how many dialy moments are normally full of her. I don't exaggerate when I say I called her (and she called me) 50 times a day.

The one double edged blessing in all this is that because Lloyd (my boyfriend) lost his mother just a few weeks before my mother died I said the things to my mother that most people in this situation only wish they'd said. I told her how I was too young to loose my mother, I told her that I loved her too much to be without her any time soon. I told her if she was ever in the position of Lloyd's mother (sick for a prolonged period of time) I wouldn't have been able to leave her side and she told me that when her time came she wanted it to be fast. No pain for her and no drawn out aguish for us. I'm glad that she went the way she wanted to but I'm angry beyond words that it was so soon and that it was at a time in her life when she was so damn happy. She told me she wasn't going anywhere any time soon. She said she fully intended to be in GG's (what the baby "calls" my Nana) position and she would some day be holding Morgan's baby. I believed her!! I didn't think anything, including God, could OR WOULD take my mother from that baby. It's just W-R-O-N-G.

My brother is doing as well as can be expected. He's really pulled things together for me and the family. I worry about him, though Angela says she making sure he's processing things and not avoiding them completely and that the baby has been good for him (for all of us really). I feel sad that I haven't been able to handle more. As his big sissy, I feel like this should all be my job. He's the man of the house sure, he's been the man of the house since he was a baby, but he is also my mother's baby boy (a thing I used to sometimes say with scorn, but say now entirely with love).

One thing everyone is asking is what Nana is going to be doing. Things are up in the air now but it looks like she will be going to live with my Aunt. This all changes moment to moment though, as does everything in my world right now.

Nana and Auntie are also doing as well as can be expected. Nana has it hardest I think, having now lost two of her children. My Aunt is the remaining member of the pack of siblings so she has her own things to work though too I'm sure. She's the executor for my mother's estate so she hasn't had a moment really to process between caring for Nana and my mother's business. She has been an enormous help for my brother and I though, allowing us to focus on getting through this without having to be strong 24/7 for Nana. Though I worry about her now and hope we figure out some way to relieve her soon so that she can be with her family.

Today is my first day alone. My boyfriend went back to work and I sit here with no one around me for the first time in almost a week. It's hard but it's good too.

My mother loved you all. Please keep in touch here and check back as often as you can and I will post as often as I can.